Monkey Business

I picked the wrong day to stop mainlining heroin...


For some reason I've always been the kind of guy who didn't shy away from the thought of commitment or having kids. Even in High School I took parenting advice from our health ed. teacher. I think he also taught a parenting class which I could never seem to get into. Man, talk about an opportunity to get laid! Only boy in a class full of girls who were looking forward to having kids? Oofah!

Anyway, let's fast forward from the late 80's to 1993 when my oldest son was born. On second thought, let's just forward to 2008. That one child has magically split into 4 entities that I call the Ashanti Clan. 4, (count them and weep), 4 kids. And 3 baby mamas (!). So much for planning out a family intelligently. Pure instinct over here!

The kids, when they were younger, were a somewhat managable bunch. If we went out to eat it was a baby and three kids meals. Then the baby became a toddler and it became a 4 kids meals. That's all gone now because I have TEENAGERS...

Scourge of the universe these teens are. They eat a much as an adult and they cost twice the price to maintain. A drain of every mental and physical resource you can imagine. And if you can imagine having to manage monkeys on LSD you might have the right idea. These teens are an infection you must live through even if it will kill you in the long run. And it might just...

So, here's the standings. Two of the kids go into high school in September (I am officially old), one goes into the 5th grade, and the other goes to kindergarten. Quite the spread, eh? This diversity of ages has led to some interesting days off at work since the beginning of the year. My vacation time is shot becasuse of the following reasons, including but not limited to:

Having to call Child Protective Services.
Having to obtain legal custogy.
Having to change schools.
Having to be called into the principals office over hickeys found on a boy's neck.
Having to meet with those boy's parents.
Having to get one son from camp because he got himself kicked out.
Having to call the FBI.

That last one is a doosey. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to write about it.

My message to you all about parenting: Be afraid... Be very afraid...